She belonged to no-one when she was born.  She came out of a woman, of course, but was never held by her, or cooed to by her, or nursed by her. It is uncertain whether the woman even ever actually looked at her.  She was weighed and measured and placed into a bassinet, next to the other babies who had mothers - real human mothers - and names. She remained nameless for quite a while. At first they called her by her father's last name. On her chart it said, "Baby McGee." The father named McGee had not been informed of her arrival but still they used his name. And the woman who birthed her? Nothing of that woman remained with her - at first. But then, a few days after her birth, the woman gave her two names - Renee Lorraine. The hospital insisted upon using the man's name as her last name however. Renee Lorraine McGee. She still belonged to no one, but now she had a name. It was a start. It is unclear how long she remained at the hospital, or where she w...

I feel bad about giving up Stevie (Erin). At the time I felt overwhelmed, helpless, very alone,  uncertain, unprepared, lost, frightened, unsupported and frightened about keeping her. I just could not see the HOW of it all. So I went for the other side, and ended up feeling empty and defeated, resigned and a little bit hopeful that maybe one day it would be okay. Today I still feel regret but I also feel love. Perhaps my hope was not misplaced after all. After all my difficulties growing up as an adopted child, I really felt like I had potentially thrown her to the wolves. I hoped and prayed her home would be better than mine, but I had no say. The social workers asked me what kind of home I hoped for her to be placed in, but I had no illusions that what I said actually mattered. I signed a paper giving up all rights. I knew they looked down on me and my situation. They were going to do exactly what they wanted, and never mind what I said. I told them I wan...