<> She belonged to no-one when she was born.  She came out of a woman, of course, but was never held by her, or cooed to by her, or nursed by her. It is uncertain whether the woman even actually ever looked at her.  She was weighed and measured and placed into a bassinet, next to the other babies who had mothers - real human mothers - and names. She remained nameless for quite a while. At first they called her by her father's last name. On her chart it said, "Baby McGee." The father named McGee had not been informed of her arrival but still they used his name. And the woman who birthed her? Nothing of that woman remained with her - at first. But then, a few days after her birth, the woman gave her two names - Lorraine Renee. The hospital insisted upon using the man's name as her last name however. Renee Lorraine McGee. She still belonged to no one, but now she had a name. It was a start. It is unclear how long she remained at the hospital, or where she went u...

> What do I want? Do I want? I am feeling empty of any true wanting, and “normal” in-quotes wanting. There is an underlying, surrounding aura of dis-ease and rocky uneven ground and my eyes cannot see the horizon, the end point, or even the destination. I am not sure where we are all headed so... I garden. I plant and I weed and I cu and I trim, and I smell the roses, admire the growing artichokes and squashes, add mulch, munch on pea pods and a strawberry, sit in the sun and drink a cool drink. Other times I play music - on the piano, on the cello, even now and then he ukulele. Or I put on happy music to dance to while I cook. Sometimes I want certain things to eat - a small wanting, Or I want to talk to a friend - so I call them. But these are small wantings, not deep soulful wantings. When other longings arise, I hold up my hand and say STOP! Don’t go down that thought process. No point.  There will be no travelling, no visiting family, no music festivals, no theatre and ther...

WHAT IS SAFE? 2020 <> Safe - what is safe? And what is my relationship to the concept of safety? It’s kind of a trigger word for me since Doc was often stopping our fun due to safety concerns Trampoline? No, too unsafe. Swimming pool? Too unsafe. Fast boat motor? Safety again. It was his easy way out. I wanted to be brave and do things and not quiver with fear over safety. I thought Doc was a bit chicken, and overly controlling. I didn’t like any of it! Fast forward 40-50 years and what is safety to me now? Well, it has different connotations and it’s not just about me now. I drive carefully for me, sure, but also so I don’t injure anyone else. Same with the current question of “to mask or not to make - that is the question”. If I wear a mask in a store, I hope it will stop me from inadvertently infecting someone else. And as a bonus, others may also FEEL safer around me. It’s safety as a community minded concept. Other parts to safety are also corporal - having ...

 <> I remember the long walk to school in elementary school, walking past all the big old houses on the one side on 18th Avenue with such tall steps to the front for - and thinking how hard it must be to bring the groceries up all those stairs. I remember liking that walk to school except for the part going past the public school where the kids would call us names and we could call back, not really knowing what it meant or why we said it but doing it anyways. I remember Sister telling us we weren’t to be friends with Protestants and how I rationalized that since Maureen went to Catholic school and her mother was Catholic - that even though her dad was a Protestant it didn’t really count. I remember coming home one day and my dad was home already, and my mom, too and they were very somber and they told us, “Cottontail is dead.” The neighbor in the big fancy house who had the hunting dogs - those dogs had come in the yard and killed and eaten him. I remember there were little b...

 2017 I WISH SOMEONE WOULD ASK ME: I don’t know. I don’t seem to have an answer to this question. Or rather, to have a question. When I am alone, I often feel very alone - as in alone in the world. Maybe then I would like someone to ask me to be their friend. I think I can be a very good friend - willing and able to listen, knowing how to have fun and laugh, interested in many things in the world. I would also like someone to ask me “What else?”  What else is going on with you, meaning me? What’s underneath all that you’re saying or not saying?  What makes you tick?  How do you see the world?  What gets you excited or awestruck or lifted up for despairing?  Who'd do you love?  What do you love? Is there something I wishes people would see in me?  My depth, perhaps. I am often smiling, making jokes, keeping it light. I don’t want be a drag and bring you down if I am feeling a heaviness, some sorrow or anger. And yet, I am fine if you express those ...