Afraid to Acknowledge

 Afraid to Acknowledge

written in 2014

I’m afraid somehow of my non-love for my mothers. 

Barb for sure, although I can find justification for that.

And for Odile - it’s hard to find justifications.

And yet I feel I need them - to “should on” myself in case I discover I am just a horrid human being. 

Lacking compassion for the ones who raised me and birthed me.

I can speak of my longing for a good mother and for connection. 

It is their fault I had neither.

So I avoid it, on the whole. 

Afraid I will appear ugly and ungrateful. 

And yet I am ungrateful, on the whole.





Barbara, my adoptive mother
This is the only picture I have of her.

I have no photos of my birth mother, Odile,  at all.

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