HUGS 2017

Hugs Written in 2017

I discovered that I knew at a very young age that Barb did not like me or love me. That scene of her freezing when I tried to hug her, and hugging the bunny instead has played in my mind my whole life. No wonder I vacuumed the house for no reason and now wonder I was good in school. I was just trying to get her love or approval.=

And that going away party in 8th grade? Anne Fleck arranged that - not Barb. Anne. Barb just got me there on the day.

Why did it take me so long to let go?  Imagine if I had stayed away from 1970 onward? Maybe even kept my baby? Maybe stayed with Mike? Or just walked away and got an abortion? Or maybe just left at 14 when I started running away. It seemed Doc wanted me home but didn’t his to talk to me. If…If….If only….Next life will I make different choices?

I got myself a foster home at 17 so I could’ve done so at 14. Imagine a quiet home life in high school, doing drama and choir and the yearbook.I might’ve even made friends and been able to hang out with them instead of always being on lockdown and locked out.

I remember coming home on Thursday and being so happy that Corinna (housecleaner) was there. The house smelled so fresh and she was glad to see me and helped unzip my uniform so I could change.

 I remember that no one was home usually when I came home. Sometimes I’d vacuum the living room, hoping that would make Barb happy. Sometimes she didn’t even notice but sometimes she said that it was nice.

I remember the day Barb was on the phone talking to Grandma and we were all huddled around her listening and watching. She was angry and yelling into the phone. And then she took her hand to her neck and with her long fingernails, she scratch all down her neck until she bled. She told Grandma, “Now look what you made me do.” My brother Mark ’s eyes were very big and Michael was scared too. I can’t remember if Kim was there or not. I remember thinking that Grandma did not make her do it. She wasn’t even there and I thought my mother was crazy,

Barb always said we were not allowed to visit Grandma, who lived at the end of the block. So, I never did. I was so envious of kids who talked about Grandmas that they hugged and who seemed to love them. And I wished we had cousins, too. Or aunties and uncles. We did have a couple from Barb’s side but she didn’t like them so we only saw them a few times. It wasn’t until Barb’s funeral I even learned about a couple more.

I remember lying in bed and wondering what my real mother was like. I knew she had named me Renee Lorraine and I loved that song “Just Walk Away, Renee” because it had my real name in it. I hoped my real mother was nice and missed me. The story was that she gave me up so I could have a better life than she could give me, whatever that means.

I remember people talking about their ethnic backgrounds and I never knew if I should say Irish and French like it said on the adoption letter or Austrian and Croation like Barb and Doc. I think I would go back and forth. No one paid much attention really but it made me think every time. And it came up a lot!

Also, who did you look like? I sometimes said I looked like my dad cuz other people said that. It turns out I do look a lot like my real dad, my bio-dad, Jay, who I knew for 7 years until his death. I miss him.

Doc never knew who I was, nor Barb. They told us what to do and punished us, but I don’t remember talking with them about anything ever. Just lectures.

Barb decided I was going to be a concert pianist and that was it. I wasn’t particularly talented and never practiced more than 1 hour a day. I longed to sing but they didn’t know that. I was scared to try out for anything cuz they would say ‘No, come straight home from school.”

I remember coming home to an empty house and I would go to Mrs. Ehrig’s house sometimes. She was very nice. She must’ve wondered why I didn’t have a key to my own house,

When I found out later that Mark had a house key but I never did, I wasn’t even surprised. She always said I couldn’t be trusted. I don’t know what I did to get that assessment. In 10th grade I started smoking. I did try to run away a couple of times, just for breathing space really. I went to Ginny’s once. And when I was 5 to the Anderson’s.  Everyone else loved Barb. She was great fun at a party and quite a flirt,

Barb and sugar - she restricted me on sugar when I was about 7, saying there i nothing worse than being a fat teenager.. So at 7 I thought I was fat. I was not.

So I never went to the corner store for candy like everyone else. I saved all my allowance. When there was sugary treats, I couldn’t have them  except birthday cake and cookies at Christmas. And Easter eggs, although I got less chocolate than all the other kids.

Once Barb made root beer floats for the family and brought them into the tv room. I just looked away, knowing it wasn’t meant for me. But that time she said I could it. I never forgot that day and root beer float was my fav for a long time.

So now as an adult when I feel rejected or lonely, I go to sugar to be soothed. In some way I am nurturing this little hurt girl inside even though it ends up hurting the adult me in getting fatter and getting sugar addicted.

When I met my real dad, I was able to go low carb and lose 75 pounds in a matter of months. Funnily enough, it didn’t even matter to him. He didn’t love me more or less, regardless,

In junior high school I was 5’9”, 145 pounds, size 9 and thought I was too big. I was so surprised that Mike wanted to date me at all in sophomore year. He was more popular and cooler than me. I didn’t really belong to a clique. I kinda floated between the intellectual Jews, the Yearbook kids and some of the greasers who I smoked with in the bush. I did lots of drugs with Mike - LSD mostly and some mushrooms and psylicibin. We did go to a dance or two but mostly we drive around in Barb’s pink Cadillac, which she loaned to Mike. She also gave him her credit card to buy me clothes which we did but we also bought lingerie. I guess she didn’t read her bills or else she didn’t care. Likely the latter.

I went to Planned Parenthood for the pill but they needed parental permission so that was that. I think we used condoms now and then but we didn’t worry about pregnancy.

The details are fuzzy now but It some point my parents found out we were having sex and said we couldn’t see each other anymore. So Mike became very contrite and promised them it would not happen again and we were back together. At no time did they bring up birth control. Doc was a doctor. Head in the sand.

When I got pregnant, they called him a psychopath for lying to them about sex. Seriously? They burned every picture i had of Mike even my yearbook. I have one pic of him with Stevie from later when they met.

I was sent to ‘Spokane, told to change my last name in case someone found out, never saw or talked to Mike again for 23. years I never told a soul. It turns out they told family members and friends which means they had support in their grief while I did not have a soul.

I wish I could go back and make sure to talk to Mike and tell all my friends and a counsellor and find out if I did have any options at all besides adoption.

They said “It’s your decision.”: They also said, “If you keep the baby. you cannot use the name Rozgay anymore; you cannot live in Seattle and we will never speak to you or give you a dime.” But it’s your decision. Bastards.

Some decision. I was so naive. The social workers were so stupid, too. They never knew how to talk to me or any of the girls. Useless. It was obvious everyone thought our babies should be adopted out. Otherwise your life will be ruined. Well it was ruined at that point - plus I had no one who loved me anywhere. I felt completely and totally alone in the world. 

When I finally went back the day before school started, they acted like I really had just been away at school. Business as usual. It was crazy making. All Barb cared about was that I had gained weight which I lost in like a month. Ah young bodies…sigh…